Sidney Crosby

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How dare he?
Sidney Patrick Crosby (born for the first time on December 25, 1 BC, in a small manger in Bethlehem, and then again on August 7, 1987, in Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia, Canada) is a professional ice hockey player for the NHL's Pittsburgh Penguins. He was the first pick of the 2005 NHL Entry Draft and one of the leading scorers during the 2005-06 NHL season finishing 6th in scoring with 102 points (39 G, 63 A), though some believe that to be a farce, as he was playing with one hand taped behind his back in order to bring himself down to the talent level around him.

Playing career

Amateur years

Ironically, when Sidney was born, hockey did not even exist, in spite of the fact that he was predestined to excel at the game. Because he was originally born in such a warm, middle-eastern climate, he decided it best to put himself to sleep for nearly 2000 years to wait for history's great explorers to discover and inhabit Canada.

On the 7th day of August, in 1987, he rose again, and started practicing. Quickly, he was deemed to be "too good" for Canadian juniors, and was drafted by his favorite team, the Montreal Canadiens, in the second round of the 1988 NHL entry draft.

"Martin St. Amour," as they called him, was only one year old, and about 2'1", 23 lbs at the time of his drafting. The Canadians are generally lambasted for this pick, not because Crosby's first NHL stint only lasted one game, but because they probably could have picked him in the third round if they'd have exercised any sort of restraint.

After one game in the NHL, the young Crosby decided to slow his development and play on a more traditional track.

Interestingly, due to Crosby's intense and sometimes obsessive love of the United States-based chain "Dunkin Donuts," he decided to move to Minnesota for high school, where he met a young loner with a heart of gold named Jack Johnson. The two played together at Shattuck St. Mary's, with Crosby scoring at will and Johnson beating the crap out of people.

Johnson went to the University of Michigan where he more than likely just killed a man, while Crosby went back to the land of Tim Horton's to play junior hockey with Rimouski Oceanic. Nothing interesting at all happened there.

NHL career

On July 30, 2005, in the first draft under the new CBA, the Penguins selected Crosby in the 2005 NHL Entry Draft with the first overall pick. It gave Crosby the opportunity to play alongside another hockey great, Mario Lemieux.

The happy couple

Crosby, being only 18, needed a place to stay in Pittsburgh. Originally he stayed with consummate bachelor, Ryan Malone, but after repeated attempts by Ryan to "get Sidney as drunk as possible and then sleep with him," Sidney sought new arrangements. Luckily, Mario Lemieux's three square mile estate had some extra room. Some saw this coming together of old and young as "creepy," but nobody would dare bring it up because it's Mario fucking Lemieux and we just don't joke about him anymore, OK?

Right from the start it was clear that Crosby was going to be the best player in the game. Crosby, however, did not want to win a Stanley Cup in his first season, remarking, "well, where can you go from there? I want to earn it!" In an effort to help Crosby better "earn" the Cup, then GM Craig Patrick decided to fill the team with players from the NHL's proverbial rest home. Sergei Gonchar, Jocelyn Thibault, Ziggy Palffy, Mark Recchi, and John Leclair, all arguably well past their prime, were brought in as pylons for Crosby to skate around.

A rare Sidney Crosby moment in which he is not scoring

Unfortunately the wheels began to fall off the bus right away as broadcaster Eddie Olczyk inexplicably posed as the head coach of the team, something he was woefully unqualified to do. Because the Mellon Arena lacks telephone hookups, however, the team was powerless to do anything, and the man they had actually hired to coach the team went to Carolina and did something there.

Two months passed and the Penguins' geriatric society decided it was just about time to hang it up. Lemieux caught the stomach flu, Ziggy Palffy bought a one-way USAir ticket to Whereabouts, Unknown, John Leclair transformed into a writhing cabbage, Mark Recchi left for Carolina, and Sergei Gonchar inserted his head up his ass. Jocelyn Thibault... Well... The less said, the better.

Interestingly, by himself, Crosby would have been more effective than having a group of misfit-old-guys around him, however NHL rules stipulate that a team must carry a certain amount of yada yada yada and Craig Patrick decided to fill out the team's lineup with scrubs. The scrubs inserted on Crosby's line, (Andy Hilbert and Colby Armstrong) went on to have surprisingly good seasons, spawning the term "The Crosby Effect."

The Crosby Effect

The term given when two talentless, mostly retarded, wingers get paired with a centerman (in this case, Sidney Crosby) and actually end up looking like they're worth something.

The effect commonly results in one of these wingers getting cut and fans screaming "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T OFFER ANDY HILBERT A CONTRACT OH MY GOD HE'S THE NEXT JARI KURRI" even though it is not true.

Some argue that this could be called "The Gretzky Effect," which would explain why Bernie Nicholls has 70 goals or some shit, but... no.

This effect is the reason Clark Gillies is in the hall of fame (in this case the Bossy effect).

In the world's spotlight

Crosby's sought after jerseys

I've got one. It's pretty nice.


Like Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux before him, Crosby has been accused by opposing players and coaches of taking dives and complaining. The criticism is not unfounded, however. Because of Crosby's strong skating and Big Body Presence, he physically should never be knocked down. Therefore, whenever he is on the ice, it would technically be due to a dive.

Crosby, however, does not dive to draw penalties. Rather, to appear more human. He is a benevolent god and certainly anything but a glory hound.