Pittsburgh Penguins

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Pittsburgh6po.gif Houston? Kansas City? Pittsburgh.

This Picture Is Not Funny, It's Hilarious. Fuck You Asshole Haters

The greatest team to ever play the game, or any other game.

Generally speaking, the NHL is a league defined by parity. Every year, every team stands a chance, and with a few good drafts, any team can claw their way back out of the basement. However, there is one team that has risen above this call for equality. One unstoppable, magnificent group of warriors, led by a God-King, destined for Stanley Cup greatness. I present to you today the awesomeness that is the unbridled power of the greatest team to every play the game of hockey or any other, the 2006-2007 2007-2008 2008-2009 Pittsburgh Penguins.

What is it that makes them so incredibly overpowered, you ask? I'm glad you asked. I happen to have a list.

Sidney Crosby

A divine spirit previously thought to exist only in mythology, Crosby, the bastard son of Odin himself, was given not a hammer, but a wooden blade today known as a hockey stick. It is said no one other than those Crosby's stick deems worthy can lift it, and as of yet, no one other than the God-King of Hockey himself has been so deemed worthy. Our god is a merciful one, however, in 2006-2007, he allowed Alexander Ovechkin to win Rookie of the Year as an example of his divine mercy.

Evgeni Malkin

Incorrectly believed to be of Russian descent, is actually just a highly-functioning autistic savant, whos main talents happen to consist of two things: Scoring goals, and fucking bitches. Evgeni fights through this condition, however, every now and then struggling to piece together words and phrases into sentences in order to express himself without the use of a hockey stick, but he eventually gets frustrated and scores 15 goals in three games to let out his anger, and then has sex with your wife.

Fun Fact: If you count women, Evgeni Malkin scored more than your team's entire roster this year.


The mascot of the Penguins, Iceburgh strikes fear into the heart of even the bravest of enemies. You might ask, what's so scary about a big fluffy penguin? If a 7 foot tall anthromorphic penguin wearing ice skates came lumbering into your room at night, you would piss yourself. I fucking promise you.

Willie Parker

The greatest player in Penguins history, merely by association. A mountain of a man, chiseled from the perfect blend of granite and sweet, sweet chocolate. No man stirs loins quite like this demigod. Once ran through a brick wall to rescue a burning child from a screaming building. Once ran through my bedroom door and into my heart. I bought a game-worn jersey of his and wear it as a diaper just to feel his essence on me... in me.

Jarkko Ruutu

The other mascot of the Penguins, the finnish delight known as Jarkko Ruutu. Undoubtedly one of the greatest hockey players to ever play the game, and much better at being a pest than retard Sean Avery. Loves to kick peoples asses, eat hockey skates, and use other retard players as furniture. A shoot-out expert, loves to abuse retard goalies. Why did you have to go!?!

Marian Hossa

Aquired on the trade deadline for irrelevant twats and a draft pick or something, Marian Hossa is nothing short of an absolute fucking monster. With Willie Parker-esque speed and a backchecking ability that has to be seen to be believed, also has an amazing shot. He shot a puck through the space between the boot and blade of a defenders skate, and scored a goal, and it was absolutely on purpose. Previously had a stigma of not performing well in the playoffs, it has recently been discovered the problem was actually the fact that he used to play for really shitty teams and now that he's actually on an NHL squad, he scores like a goal every twenty seconds or something. It's too bad he's a giant bitch and wouldn't sign with the Penguins for $300 and Crosby's used jock strap.


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