Pierre McGuire is a colour commentator for TSN. In addition to providing excellent and highly detailed analysis alongside play-by-play partner Gord Miller, Pierre also appears between the benches on some stupid fucking segment on American networks.
Pierre's main talent is his ability to analyze even the most irrelevant, insipid detail of a play and rant and rave about it with a bizarre and irritating crescendo. Upon finishing a sentence, Pierre's voice is usually at the volume level of a jumbo jet flying 10 metres overhead. His favourite plays in hockey are chips up the boards, poke-checks and gap control. Pierre loathes goals, passes, saves, and generally anything involving skill. He can easily recite every single coach an NHL player has had from memory, up to and including Bantam and Peewee levels. He is also astute at TOO MUCH MANS penalties, pointing them out by saying "Ooh, the (team name) just got away with too many men there/Should've been too many men there on the (team name)".
Through his godawful colour commentary, Pierre has spawned several equally abhorrent catchphrases, including Big Body Presence, WHAMMO!, Monster and Active Stick. Pierre is widely recognized as one of the most intelligent and poignant hockey analysts, which is why it is no surprise that he sucked ass during his brief coaching career.
Known as 'Cue Ball' to his friends because of how strongly they desire to smash him in the face with a pool cue.
Pierre McGuire does not have chest hair. Pierre McGuire does not believe in hair outside of the eyebrow realm.
Players Man-Crushed by McGuire
- Sidney Crosby
- Dion Phaneuf
- Jonathan Toews
- Zach Parise
- Mike Richards
- Luke Schenn Luke Schenn Luke Schenn LUUUKE SCHENNNNNNN THE HUMAN ERASER UUNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHH
- Every Team Canada junior player ever along with their coaches, managers, parents, fans, dogs, dentists, favourite foods and colours
Players Man-Hated on by McGuire
- Robert Nilsson
- Any junior player who had the misfortune of playing for a non-Canadian team
Stuff Pierre does on the side for extra cash
- Giving handjobs to Dion Phaneuf when he's in town
- Entering in all the real time data to nhlfeed with his BlackBerry