New York Yankees

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The New York Yankees are a Major League Baseball team that everyone hates. They used to be the Baltimore Orioles, but God split the souls that would become Peter Angelos and George Steinbrenner into two in 1902.

Contents

History according to Yankees fans

The Yankees have won 27 world championships in the 28 years in which a World Series was played. The only time they lost was when Joe DiMaggio was too busy beating his wife to play.

The only Yankee to appear on every Yankee World Series championship team is Babe Ruth, a noted magician who cursed the Boston Red Sox for sending him to such an evil organization in exchange for a machine that allowed Red Sox owner Tom Yawkey to kill as many orphaned black children as he pleased. This curse is called The Curse of the Bambino and is 100% real.

Actual History

Since the dawn of time, Man has hated the New York Yankees. They won their first World Series in 1923 and won consistently for the next four decades or so, collecting an impressive 20 through 1962. Back then, however, the Yankees were rarely considered to be evil, or even relatively bad. In fact, they were generally considered to be the most popular sports team in the world at the time, and thus began the Yankees' long tradition of amassing a large fanbase of witless, frontrunning fans who still manage to be better than Sox fans.

The Steinbrenner Years (a.k.a. Mediocrity Ahoy!)

In 1973, a man named George Steinbrenner bought the Yankees from CBS for $10 million dollars. Steinbrenner made an immediate and indelible mark on the sport, hiring and firing manager Billy Martin more times than a sane person would assume possible. At the beginning of the free agency era, Steinbrenner signed Catfish Hunter (who is neither an actual fish, nor a hunter of them), who led the Yankees to the World Series in 1976. Because Steinbrenner was not satisfied with this performance, he went out and signed slugger Reggie Jackson, who would go on to earn the nickname "Mr. October" because of his clutch playoff performances and love of both Columbus Day and Halloween. Jackson led the Yankees two World Series championships in 1977 and '78.

Over the next 18 years, the Yankees would become one of the most embarrassingly bad teams in baseball; not because of their on-field performance, but because of the absurd amounts of money that were being spent to field such horrible teams. This has always been Steinbrenner's modus operandi: signing aging free agents in the twilight of their careers to contracts as large as a small-market team's payroll and then being incensed when they cannot perform to the standards that they were once capable of.

A few hilarious side notes about why everyone hates George Steinbrenner

  • In 1974, Steinbrenner was convicted of making millions of dollars worth of illegal campaign contributions to the Nixon re-election. Steinbrenner pled guilty to all charges, but never spent a day in jail. Instead, he did what a Steinbrenner always does, paid a bunch of money (in this case, $35,000) to make his problems go away. He was suspended from baseball for two years by commissioner Bowie Kuhn, but had that sentence reduced to nine months and made his "triumphant" return in 1976. He was later granted an official pardon by President Ronald Reagan.
  • In 1990, Steinbrenner was banned from baseball for life because he paid a low-life gambler $40,000 to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield, a star player for the Yankees. Why would Steinbrenner want to dig up dirt on one of his own players? Why, it's because Winfield was suing Steinbrenner for backing out of a contractually guaranteed payment of $300,000. When news of the ban reached the fans in the stands at Yankee Stadium that day, they gave a long standing ovation.
  • In 2003, it was discovered that the Yankees had been illegally engaging in trade with Communist Cuba, and had to pay the United States government $75,000 in fines.

The Dynasty (or: All aboard the bandwagon! Toot toot!)

Upon Steinbrenner's second return to baseball in 1993, the Yankees were on the verge of actually being good for the first time in a long time. This is thanks in large part to that fact that Gene Michael's ideas about running a baseball team were the complete polar opposite from Steinbrenner's. Michael had the bright idea of actually developing the farm system and promoting prospects instead of trading them all away for 41-year olds.

It was during this era that players such as Bernie Williams, Mariano Rivera, and other future Hall of Famers were allowed to actually play for the Yankees for more than the last two years before their retirement.

Then, in 1996, a homosexual shortstop named Derek Jeter made his Yankee debut and stole the world's heart. What Jeter lacked in actual defensive baseball skills, he made up for tenfold in intangibles, heart, leadership, and other such nonsense.

Jeter and similarly untalented players like him were the driving force behind the Yankee team that won four more World Series championships between 1996 and 2000.

LOL!

The Dynasty falls apart

The 2001 season featured many new Yankees and a lot of people kind of hoping that a team from New York would win a championship because they felt so bad about that whole 9/11 thing. However, the unpatriotic Arizona Diamondbacks beat them in seven games because their management understood that pitching is what wins championships, not 39-year old sluggers. They have since forgotten this.

In the wake of these tragic events, the Yankees acquired Rondell White and known steroid user Jason Giambi during the 2002 offseason. They proceeded to win a combined 0 championships for the Yankees.

In 2003, the Yankees went out and acquired both Alex Rodriguez and known steroid user Gary Sheffield. They also proceeded to win a combined 0 championships for the Yankees.

World Series Cancelled

After 2001, all playoffs were cancelled for the future. No playoffs occurred from 2002 through 2008.

World Series Returns

In 2009 Bud Selig decided that the All Star Game had to count for something and reinstituted playoff baseball. Alex Rodriguez was replaced by a clutch body double during October and the scrappy Yankee team climbed their way to the top once again.

Why everyone hates the Yankees

There are a lot of reasons that people hate the Yankees, but they can all be traced back to one common thread: their fans.

  • Yankee fans are perhaps the most obnoxious in all of sports for their arrogance, their shitty attitudes, and their dogged insistence that they did NOT start cheering for the team around mid-September of 1996 when we ALL know that that's exactly what they did.

"I liked them when they sucked too, ya know," is the mating call of the Yankee Stadium Bleacher Creature, who is identifiable by his pin-striped jersey with either the number 2 or 13 on the back, and his hatred/love of Alex Rodriguez depending upon whether or not he has just grounded into yet another inning-ending double play with the bases loaded or homered to put the Yankees up 14-3 over the Devil Rays in mid-May.

When quizzed upon which players, besides Don Mattingly, played for the Yankees in the mid-80s, the average Yankee fan will usually respond with a blank stare followed by a "Who's Your Daddy" chant.

  • Their payroll is about 5 times that of the average baseball team. Their roster consists almost entirely of players who were on the 1997-1999 All-Star teams, many of whom are past their primes, and more still have worse haircuts and facial hair.
  • A-Rod and Jeter. 'Nuff said.
  • George Steinbrenner: convicted criminal, Communist sympathizer, Costanza botherer.
  • They retired both Reggie Jackson and Billy Martin's numbers, despite the two playing in New York for a combined 12 seasons and hitting a combined .261.
  • John Sterling (whose real name is Harold Moskowitz). Everything he does is an affront to broadcasting, from his trademark "Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Yankees WIN!" call on the first day of the season in a 12-1 win over the Orioles to his cheeseball home run calls ("A TEX MESSAGE," "SOMETHING SORT OF GRANDISH/OOOOOH THE GRANDY MAN CAN~," "AN A-BOMB BY A-ROD," and so forth). Also, Suzyn Waldman is a stupid, overreacting twat.
  • All but seven of their world championships took place well before 90% of their current fanbase was born, yet all anyone hears about is "27 rings," as though anyone gives a shit what happened in 1927.
  • Even when the Yankees win a championship, the fanbase will celebrate by talking about how much Boston, Tampa, and Philadelphia suck.
  • They think they are the greatest sports franchise of all time, but they forget that the Boston Celtics exist. get the fuck out

Terrible Facial Hair Removal Service

The Yankees have a no beards or long hair policy and every now and then acquire a player as a public service so they have to shave whatever it is they have on their face off.

Eliminated

  • Chad Gaudin's billy goat thing that just about reached his shoulder blades.
  • Nick Swisher's bleached goatee/chops/who knows abomination.
  • Johnny Damon's entire head and face.
  • Samson's slugging percentage.

Possible Future Targets

  • Bobby Jenks
  • Juan Uribe

Related


MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL

AMERICAN LEAGUE
EASTERN DIVISION

Baltimore Orioles
Boston Red Sox
New York Yankees
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Toronto Blue Jays

CENTRAL DIVISION

Chicago White Sox
Cleveland Indians
Detroit Tigers
Kansas City Royals
Minnesota Twins

WESTERN DIVISION

Houston Astros
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Oakland Athletics
Seattle Mariners
Texas Rangers


NATIONAL LEAGUE
EASTERN DIVISION

Atlanta Braves
Miami Marlins
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Washington Nationals

CENTRAL DIVISION

Chicago Cubs
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
St. Louis Cardinals

WESTERN DIVISION

Arizona Diamondbacks
Colorado Rockies
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Diego Padres
San Francisco Giants