Mike Leach
From SAS Wiki
Cap'n Leach be a Latter 'Ay Saint by birth, but 'is heart be black and scurvy as the dark waters o' the Southern Seas itself and 'e come running for mama as soon as he could. Cap'n once counted even Mangino the Fat among his crew, til he joined with the Redlegs crew. Poor Mangino, twas a Jayhawk that led 'im to 'is fate, now he be shark food. The Cap'n always saved 'is most harrowing adventures for th' waters o' the College Port, where he spent 'is days running through many a foolhardy in khaki and maroon and white, even on their own hallowed ground.
Ah yes, I long for th' days Leach be firin' 'is cannon in battle, and maybe 'twas no reason at all. In time, his strategy be named th' Air Raid. Yes indeed, 'e 'ad a thing for th' football. Ah yes, in th' good ol' days the Good Cap'n made 'is Red Raiders among the most feared crews in all th' ocean.
Contents |
Battle o' Mason's Point
Ah 'es, th' Battle of the Insight Bowl. T'was nearly a black letter day as Cap'n and th' Raiders found themselves surprised by a fearsome riverboat cap'n. Th' Raiders had come next to th' shit, twas called the Minnesota Steamer, and just as the Steamer slowed down, Cap'n Leach threw up the ol' Jolly Roger and began firin'. But oh, this riverboat was a sneaky one, see she was a raider 'erself with the crews of the Big 10, and befor' Cap'n knew it the Steamer fired a hundred cannon at the Red Raiders. All looked lost, but th' Cap'n knew this riverboat cap'n couldn't hold a lot of shot. So with 'is ship nearly broken, the Cap'n told his scurvy dogs if they jumped o'erboard he'd run them through 'imself, and he turned that ship 'round for an attack. And oh yes, those Red Raiders let loose a furious cannon volley, and 'e banished that riverboat cap'n Davey Jones' Locker.
Cap'n Walks the Plank
Yarr, th' Fates be a fickle mistress. One day, 'ey are with ye til the end, and it seems like ye can'na lose. But then just like 'at, th' Fates turn on ye, and ye be finding yourself a dead man. And that very thing happen'd to th' Cap'n. Cap'n brought on a sissy boy one day into the Red Raiders, 'is name be Adam James. All the men laughed, oh how they laughed, but the Cap'n made an example out of a fat lineman and keel hauled 'im to show 'e was serious about this young man. And indeed, this boy Adam be a good Raider, and 'he fed many an Aggie to the birds. But the Devil take 'at boy, and one leave one fortnight 'e run to his daddy with a story about pirates and scoundrels, and 'is daddy ran to the King, and 'twas all the King's Men could do but to run the Cap'n down in front of all to see, and for a fortnight themselves they kept catchin' up to th' Cap'n, til finally one day the King's men caught Cap'n Leach. Cap'n Leach walked the plank that day, or so 'ey thought, and don't tell no one, but ye be findin' Cap'n Leach these days in Key West, sippin a fifth o' rum and enjoying all the finest wenches in th' town.
Arr, ye need 'nother tale? Well I heard Cap'n's first mate, Ruffin twas th' name, he saved th' ship, an' he brought the Red Raiders' battle plan to two ports, Houston an' East Caro'ina, an' one day th' Cap'n's gonna return an' all th' King's men shall be keelhauled, one at a time.
Yarr, here be what they say 'bout cap'n
- "When ye first meet 'im," Jarrett Hicks, a junior boatswain, told me, "ye left t' think he be a gunner's mate."
- "Ye body be ye sword. Swing ye sword."
- "Our notion of balance be that th' five Raiders who fire shot do that a thousand times. Because cannon shot be good."
- "'Twas not a very good shot that one. I 'ad high hopes for it not being good at that point. What say the Fates? Be we a loser in this raid?”. (On Alabama's winning field goal in the Cotton Bowl)
- "Me best quarters mate be leavin' ship next winter, mayhap I be gettin his father to be me new mate? Yo ho ho ho ho!" Addressing doubts about his quarterbacks' skills.
- "How come th' Aggies pretend they be redcoats? The thing is ya see, they be not actually King's men. That's why I be right in me Pirate School. The new mates, all they get be a bandanna, thirty pieces o' eight, an' a rusted cuirass. When ye be a senior boatswain, ye get a sword an' a musket an' skull and crossbones. " On the Texas A&M Corps of Cadets.
- "Yarr, a pirate beat a soldier, ye know."
Arrgh, a man likes th' rum. Twas there any choice?
- Yar, 'ey say Cap'n has an affinity toward th' tequila during battle. It's a load of bollocks, for the digusting liquid from the Mexican ports be 'nough to turn a man wild.
