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How the hell else are we gonna keep track of all the criminals we cheer for?
The Fulmer Cup, named after Tennessee Volunteers head coach and his school of well-behaved student-athletes, is an invention of EDSBS.
This page only tracks points officially given out by EDSBS. For a rough list of cases currently unscored, for our own reference mostly, please visit the Fulmer Cup Processing Station.
2009 Scoreboard, Final
Also check out the all-time scoreboard, the 2006 scoreboard, the 2007 scoreboard, and the 2008 Scoreboard.
| Rank
| School
| Points
| +/-
| Details
|
- *- Individual Offenses, Thus in running for ETJ3 Award
Rules
The player in question MUST BE ON ROSTER at the time of arrest. No Ex-Players!
- Murder: 5 points.
- Rape: 4 points. Downgraded to one if either participant is wearing a clown mask.
- Bestiality: 4 points. It's a form of rape, really, no matter how much the goat has had to drink. High point value justified further by the fact that it involves having sex with an animal. You could say this was unthinkable, but in the past year alone two stories involving college athletes and at least the association with barnyard bonhomie of a most intimate degree have been reported, including the EDSBS Official GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD: the arrest of Oregon State player Ben Siegert for stealing a sheep used in a study on homosexuality in sheep.
- Grand Larceny: 4 points. We use this as a catchall for players being involved in crime so outrageous and well-planned it can only be described as 'nefarious,' 'professional,' or 'legislation.' Applies to large drug rings, chop shop operations, and the Haitian human trafficking ring that's been run out of the Miami locker room since '93. (We kid! They didn't get that thing humming 'til '95 at the earliest.)
- Hitting Girls: 3 points. We'll downgrade this to 2 if the girl can hold her weight and requires daily medication to prevent her from gouging her own eyes out (since those were the ones we always ended up dating, and we understand); or we'll upgrade to 4 points if the damage includes intensive care. Dad always said never hit girls, so we take this one seriously. Dad also said always double down with split aces, too, but we'll be damned if we didn't end up selling bone marrow in Macau the last time we followed that bit of advice.
- Car theft/Assault/Driving through houses drunk/Drug possession of the Tyrone Biggums variety: 3 points. "Drug possession" never sounds all that bad until you add in 'crack cocaine,' which is society's signifier that your life has gone from that of high functioning simian in a complex society to that of a rat with electrodes in your brain's pleasure centers hitting a pedal in a glass box in a lab. Weed? Par for the course, especially if you're NFL-bound. Crack? Break out the Sports Century 'Weepy Sonata' music, because the story of your descent from boundless potential has just begun, and they haven't even begun to show the grainy shots of 130-lb you huddled in a shelter on Skid Row.
- Fightin' in 'da Club/Weed Possession/Standard DUI: 2 points. Any scenario involving group fighting of a thugged-out, 'we run this place' variety, and marijuana possession of the nickel bag level. Possession of 100 pounds of marijuana is a totally different thing, and takes you right back up to the 4 point 'nefarious' level.
- Drankin'/Suspended License/Assorted petty misdemeanors: 1 point.
Bonus points are awarded for multiple team offenses. Upon the 4th team arrest, four bonus points are awarded. On the 5th team arrest, 5 bonus points are awarded. 6 points are awarded for the 6th team arrest and so on and so on... This only applies to separate incidences. 5 players arrested at the same party counts as one incident.\
The Ellis T Jones III rule states that no team can win the Fulmer Cup based solely on the performance of one player. If the top scoring team does not have more than one player arrested, the Fulmer Cup is awarded to the next top scoring team.
This award goes to the individual who contributes the most points to his team during the season, OR has the most incredible incident that resulted in Fulmer Cup points. Named after Ellis T. Jones III, the greatest collegiate criminal ever.
Ellis T. Jones III Award Winners:
- 2009: Trent Pupello with 17 points for a pistol whipping spree.
- 2008: Alabama's Jimmy John with 20 points for selling cocaine.
- 2007: Ronnie M. Wilson of Florida, for firing off a semi-automatic rifle during a road rage incident.
- 2006: Ellis T. Jones himself, for 13 felony counts stemming from using Craigslist to meet robbery targets.
Past Fulmer Cup Champions
Related
, Passing out at police station, DUI with suspended license, Xavier Hicks still doesn't have a license,Burglary
