Mr. Lauren Pronger
According to users of another, far less entertaining, Wiki...
Chris Dillhole Pronger is 4'6", and his nickname is faggot. He was named to the Cocksucking All-Star team as he is one of the best cocksuckers in the league. In 1999-2000, he was named Gay Pride Parade Marshall. He and his bitch wife Lauren (aka Yoko) have two bastard kids. He has received many dildo's in the arse, and is considered one of the top vaginas in the league. Also, 4 out of 5 dentists recommend that Chris Pronger should cry like a school girl bitch. Oh, and he smells.
Chris Pronger is a very wise man who chose to abandon the frozen wastes of Edmonton, Canadian Texas in favor of the sun and intolerable traffic of Southern California.
Now resides in the City of Brotherly Love.
Also the inventor of Pronger Physics
Jerk Moves (courtesy of Down Goes Brown)
- Was suspended during the Stanley Cup Finals after delivering a vicious elbow to the head of Ottawa's Dean McAmmond, outraging fans around the world who were really hoping he'd get Chris Neil instead.
- At 1993 entry draft, rudely stole the spotlight from #1 overall pick Alexandre Daigle by turning out to be like a hundred times better than him.
- Once got bored during the Vancouver Olympics opening ceremonies, wandered to the backstage area, and cross-checked the guy in charge of making sure all the cauldrons were working in the throat.
- Has been known to slack off and go up to two full years without single-handedly dragging a team to the Stanley Cup finals.
- Caused a long delay during a 1998 game when he claimed to suffer a brief cardiac arrest after being hit with a slapshot directly above the heart, as if he has one.
- Demanded a trade out of Edmonton in 2006, selfishly placing the desires of his wife and children above those of a company that had employed him for almost an entire year.
- His hilariously sarcastic press conference performance after game one turned out to be a word-for-word recitation of Bill Hicks' Arizona Bay album.
- Was once suspended eight games for stomping in Ryan Kesler's leg with his skate, which was kind of odd, since it was August and Kesler was napping on a beach at the time.
- When presented with a seven-year contract offer from the Flyers last year, immediately signed it instead of politely saying "Um, maybe you should go back and re-read the CBA".
- Knows full well that Flyers could have swept the Bruins, but convinced teammates to spot them a 3-0 series lead "just to mess with them".
- Once borrowed Riley Cote's copy of Schopenhauer's On the Fourfold Root of the Principle of Sufficient Reason; returned it the next morning all dog-eared.
- Post-loss ritual: cruise interstate looking for families stranded on the side of the highway with flat tire; pull over; slash other three tires; drive away.
- During NBC telecasts of Flyers games, constantly leans over to Pierre McGuire and says "I don't think they can hear you, maybe try speaking louder."
- After every playoff game this year, calls up John Stevens and leaves him a detailed message about how much fun it was.
- You know when you have to get up early the next day but you can't sleep because some idiot's car alarm is going off all night long right below your window? Yeah, that's him.
- Walks around the league like he's better than everyone, when in reality he's only better than 97% of them.
- Immediately demands a trade every time he finds out that Joffrey Lupul has finished unpacking.
- Led the Anaheim Ducks to a Stanley Cup after being acquired in a deal with the Oilers, which apparently gave GM Brian Burke the idea that trading two first round picks for a star player is a good idea.
- Is often rude and uncooperative with members of the media, even those he is currently sleeping with.